Wednesday, 11 January 2012

Hi, I'm Andrew and I'm an underachiever

On a personal level, my life is pretty sweet, I have good friends, the kind of friends you can rely on, I have a lovely wife who I love dearly, I have Gracie who's a story on her own, I have family, I own a couple of houses (1 of which I live in obviously). Things are good! However, there's always been one level on which I frustrate myself royally, achievements.

Now I know everything above is an achievement, and some of them big ones, I'm talking about the little personal stuff. Not quite a bucket list, I'm not that old or (as far as I'm aware) in any immediate danger of kicking said bucket.

Back in school days I had a bit of ambition, but never followed it through, up until the age of 16, I wanted to write, I had a pretty good imagination, decent attention to detail, could put points across and was borderline creative, I thought I could write things people would be interested in. I wanted to be a journalist. Come 16 and A-Level options time I convinced myself I wasn't good enough for this and went down the safe, 'I'm a geek and I'm good with numbers and computers option' (which I am) took maths/sciencey A-levels and lacked enthusiasm for 2 years. (Apart from stats modules in Maths, I seemed to be reasonably good at them naturally and enjoyed them much, looking at my job now of course...)

This lack of enthusiasm carried through so I never actually wanted to go to university, but I did for a while as that was my next prescribed step, I did ok, but circumstances went against me and I dropped. I don't regret going, some of the people there were top quality and I made some good friends, I just wish I'd been there out of desire not duty.

Work wise, I always have been ambitious, I've always tried to push myself, try and get to a more senior level, but I must have been successful in around 10% of the internal interviews I've gone for. I've got a chance to try out a senior role now, I'm giving it my best but I still feel I'm the underdog long term, but we'll see. At times I've wallowed and as a result maybe missed chances, there are times I've felt frustrated, I'm not exactly known for my unshakable self confidence and at times I can be slow to recover from losing out. This is the year for moving on up I feel, I just have to make sure it happens.

It's not so much even about the money, yes I'd love a job which paid me royally, no more stressing about money, can have all the shiny things in the world, woo-hoo, nice, but not essential. Primarily I want to enjoy my job, have a feeling of responsibility. I'm not saying I don't enjoy what I have now, but I want... more. Exactly what I've been finding in my temp role. Worst thing could be if I do my 2 months then fail long term. Previously I assumed I'd enjoy such a role, but now I actually know that I do, back to before may be worse. Oh and reasonable money is a necessity I have a family and mortgage remember, I'm sure charity work would be rewarding, but I can't see it buying food!

The writing things hangs round too, and I've written stuff before, some I've posted on here, more I haven't, most I've never finished after convincing myself (probably accurately) that what I'm writing is shite, maybe it was a good idea to start but I killed it... I stuck the one short story on amazon, but it didn't sell (I didn't exactly push it either) it was horribly bad value for money anyway, but I thought the content was tolerable. But there must be an idea in there somewhere otherwise why would I have the continuing ambition to try. Self delusion? Distinct possibility, but seeing/reading some of the stuff on the kindle store, well let's just say there's hope for everyone.

I even have been writing reviews for amazon of late, just to see how people react to stuff I think. I'm ranked just inside the top 17,000 reviewers, so not exactly a write off, but not good by any stretch. But I'll climb over time, maybe.

I've always had ambitions to be fitter, I'm never going to be an athlete, I knew from the age of 10 and missing an open goal with a header for St Illtyds Primary team I was never going to be a footballer, or an athlete of any kind. But that's no reason to sit on my arse and be a fatty now is it. I've been thin, I've been 19+ stone and if I had to choose between the two... I'd choose neither, but more towards the smaller. I really like going to the gym, and I get a sense of relaxation from running, always have, my body however disagrees and breaks regularly, slowing progress to the point where it's an effort to get going again, like now. But I will be back gym count on it, and soon (Llanelli Half coming up in March!). Plus I'm getting quite fat again, well more fat than usual!

Well fuck all this wallowing in self pity, in 16 days I'm 30 and this year I'm going to do something about some of it. That's what new years resolutions are after all. Maybe not it all, and maybe I'll bomb at what I try, but as long as I do try, I can't do any more.

Oh and I'll also try writing here regularly again, it was doing OK and I neglected it, plus that writing thing I was on about...

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